Three Emperor Quotes To Describe The Season

May 4: the day dorks everywhere celebrated their made-up Star Wars holiday by adding a lisp to the franchise’s most memorable one-liner, possibly drinking milk made blue with food coloring and hopefully not locking lips with any of their siblings. But who says the celebration has to end there? Well, besides your parents whose basement you’re still living in. You won’t hear it from us, a.k.a. people whose opinions matter. So go ahead and cozy up in your Jedi robe — I don’t care if it’s still soaked through with Mountain Dew and covered in Cheeto dust from your Star Wars watch-athon — and allow me to force-feed you the story of MLB’s first several weeks via the somewhat modified words of everybody’s favorite sinister space wizard, The Emperor Darth Sidious. If you don’t, well, “It’s treason, then.”

“Powah! [Somewhat]-limited powah [and very limited contact]!” — “Revenge Of The Sith”

MLB un-juiced the baseball for the 2021 season, and April home run numbers as a whole were down from their record peak in 2019. But don’t worry, you power-hungry siths out there — baseballs are still leaving the yard in bunches, with one FanGraph analysis projecting the league to produce 6,000-plus dingers by season’s end, which has only happened twice (2017, 2019). More of a disturbance in the force is that hitters are making less contact with their desired target than stormtrooper blasters. Strikeout rates are currently resting at an absurd 25%, and your average big leaguer is hitting in the .230s. But, hey, maybe you’re not former slugger and bat wiggler OF Gary Sheffield, and you don’t hate on the nerd-advocated three outcome approach. I mean, it would be kind of cool to watch SP Jacob deGrom and SP Shane Bieber each try to K like 400 batters in a single season.

“A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.” — “The Phantom Menace”

One month into baseball, and the best starting pitching staff plays in the NL West. No, it’s not the San Diego Padres. It’s not the Los Angeles Dodgers either. Yep, you didn’t predict this — it’s the San Francisco Giants. Starting pitchers Kevin Gausman, Anthony DeSclafani, old man Johnny Cueto (who hasn’t been good since 2016) and company are out-performing both the freakish rotations put together by San Diego and LA this past offseason. Is this sustainable? Probably not to this extent. But the fact that San Francisco’s feeling frisky early on and playing all underdog-inspired could make for some exciting match-ups in several months; you know; when the games actually matter.

Then, we’ve got the Chicago White Sox, whose offense is capable of Death Star levels of destruction. Who’s their best hitter so far, you ask? No, it’s not reigning AL MVP José Abreu. It’s not 2020 Silver Slugger Tim Anderson. It’s not Luis Robert or Eloy Jiménez, who are both injured. It’s 28-year-old rookie Yermin Mercedes, who started the year hotter than the glowing end of a lightsaber, whose average has only recently dipped below .400 after a little less than five whole weeks. Baseball’s tough to predict, man. I’m sure even the ancient Jedi prophecies would’ve been right about as infrequently as the talking heads on ESPN.

“I have no doubt this boy is the offspring of [well, Vladimir Guerrero Sr.].” — Empire Strikes Back

With the current crop of young talent torching the league these past couple of seasons, such as OF Juan Soto, OF Ronald Acuña Jr. and SS Fernando Tatís Jr., it was easy for people to forget how hyped of a prospect IF Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (a.k.a Daddy Jr.) was when he came into the league back in 2019. Now, in his third season, he looks fully operational and ready to be the focal point of a Blue Jays offense that’s like half sons of former MLB players. The baseball-midchlorians on that roster have to be off the charts in Toronto. He’s near the top of the league in average, homers and OPS. Hell, he might’ve won AL player of the month if OF Byron Buxton, who I’ve heard isn’t too shabby at baseball, didn’t go bonkers. Now, I think saying Guerrero Jr. will continue to hit .350 and mash 40-plus homers like he’s currently on pace to do is a bit premature, but it’d be sick. I mean, the Blue Jays being decent would be another reason for the New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman to inch closer to hitting that panic button. Honestly, who in the baseball world that isn’t a Yankees fan doesn’t like to see the sport’s Evil Empire more on fire than it already is?

Cover photo courtesy of Mike Carlson/AP Photo